I find I enjoy the inky darkness as it settles around my shoulders. I leave the gym and the air cools the sweat from my cheeks almost immediately. As I walk I remove my earphones and listen to the sounds of the night, summer sounds even on a surprisingly cold evening, I breathe heavily as I start the hill. It isn't far and the walk is over before I know it. The warm air of home envelopes me, but the quietness grasps my senses coldly, cruelly. Its dark, and I fumble desperately for switches. Light first then noise I mutter.
My brain almost unravels itself in these moments. I stand in the middle of the half-lit room wondering to myself 'How did I get here?' Suddenly there is no here, just confusion about life and the hugeness of it. At times like this all I can do is make my body so weary with exercise that I cannot think. I find at times like these I go to bed and toss and turn and then think too much, I search for the familiar face of the moon, anything familiar at all, because I know you will not be there, breathing beside me which is the only thing I want, or so says my heart.
I used to apologize for this, not anymore. There is no reason to, no one is a witness to my confusion, my little lapses of distress. Tomorrow the sun will rise, or the rain will fall, I will dress and fold laundry and wear my new sweater which smells of Bounce. I will change my handbags, and no one will know or feel the weight of it as much as I do.
