Finding the Sparkle ~ 2012

I marvel at the fact that life keeps revealing the best of itself..if we are willing to see it. So often we get bogged down so deeply with our own hardships we fail to see the good..the new loves, new jobs, new friendships being formed, the love we show each other here..

Nobody knows more than my family, and friends here, how hard the past few months have been for me, how often tears of pain and disappointment have flowed. I have endured years of pain, of recovery, functioned in survival mode for so long that I had forgotten how to live, really live. I thought I knew love, more than once, I was burned, healed and got burned once more. Each time I went in with wide eyes and an open hopeful heart and when I left I closed the door quietly but firmly offering friendship but never receiving it. Clearly I was doing something wrong, and so I decided to make a change, and refused to compromise on the dream of having a wonderfully deep and intense friendship and relationship, even if it meant the very real possibility of being on my own for a long long time. I just refused to settle for something that wasnt working on every level. The transition was painful, I doubted, questioned and agonized, and endured the months of watching a relationship dissipate, a friendship implode very publicly.

I believe we have to strive to be the best people we can be, so that we can be better to.. and for others. I took a hard look at myself without the luxury of a filter and excuses and set up goals and a plan for a new me, for me.

It has to start within ourselves, we owe it to those who love us to take care of ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually..no matter what our age. This year, get moving.. join a gym or a walking group, stop smoking..and eat to live, nourish your soul..and the body that houses it. You owe it to your children and grandchildren, to the mother who loves you and the partner who may be waiting in the wings. As the age old saying goes, we cant expect different outcomes if we keep doing the same old thing...

I'm going to try and do my best to be part of the good this year, to bring about a shift that allows me and those around me to live more authentically, more lovingly and more intuitively, to practice random acts of kindness and allow the positive actions to cascade outwards and influence more than just the first person it was meant for, I suspect the results linger for eons. I want the sparkle of life, I want to sparkle for those I love, I want them to see me happy and fulfilled with a renewed ability to see the joy in everyday.

Wishing you all a Healthy and Happy New Year everyone..find your sparkle and lets see you glow!!

The Last Corner

untangling from warm limbs

I half watch you through a steamy shower

listening to you hum

as you dress

in the dark

we giggle as we scrape ice

from the windows

avoiding the heart I've scratched in

with my fingernail

and cling goodbye amidst murmurs

I stand and wave in the crispy half light

until your tail lights curve around

the last corner

Portrait

North of the River

It is a well known fact that Bakersfield is not 'the' go to place, but its not the armpit of America either. The telling issue of course is whether you live north of the river, or.. on the east side or the west side..and after living here for 2 yrs there are certainly places I would never go, even in broad daylight.

However while I may live north of the river, I work firmly in the middle of the south east, and so I cross the Kern river every day I travel back and forth to work, through some of the poorest neighbourhoods in the city, rich with characters from all walks of life. How different to the gorgeous panoramic vista's I enjoyed as I drove back and forth to Santa Barbara along the 101.

Yet..this city has its beautiful days too. On cold winter mornings the fog rises just as the sun peeks over the surrounding mountains just as I head home, each day is different. This morning it looked like this....

Deck the Halls

A Happy Day

We've had such a happy time, its hard to put it into words...we've laughed and talked and done so much..I will just post a few pics.so that you can get a feel of where I'm at, but I cant post any pics of him, his job is too high profile and vitally important to him..his private life too personal, so don't mean to be vague, but its just the way it is. He is still trying to absorb the 'I'm a blogger info' but I'm sure he has no idea how much of my life I share here, I have no secrets and always try and blog as honestly and as true to my feelings as I can. However its a social network and would never do anything to compromise his privacy or that of his family, so unless I have his explicit permission..my careful words and selective pics will have to do.

We drove up to Lake Tahoe for the day, did some walking and then stopped for hot chocolate and a warm fire at the lodge. We drove back into Sac at sunset..and it was magnificent, a fiery glow across right across the city (we were on the highway and so my pics are from the car, through the window...lol) We stopped at a gorgeous old Victorian house for dinner, tucked away in the trees, it was like stepping into a storybook..a wonderful ending to a truly magical day...

at home.. view from the deck at breakfast before we headed out

it was freezing cold up in the trees, most of the rivers had a fair coating of ice on them and I was shivery cold by the time we got back to the car..couldn't wait to warm up..

at the lodge

walking through the christmas light 'district'

dinner

I will post up an album with a few more pics as soon as I get time...have a great weekend anyone:))

True North

Many members of my family seem to be in transit today, Jess and her family are on their flight to Cape Town now, my nephew has accepted a job offer with American Airlines and is relocating to Dallas...my son and his girlfriend are on their way to her family in Tucson for the holidays. I will be in Sacramento for the week...so my mum and sister will be driving over to stay here and take care of the dogs...

The storm has passed, snow on the mountains..but here in the valley the living is easy..

Be safe where ever you go this holiday season folks..focus....drive safely..be courteous... patient....and be kind to one another!

Happy Holidays x

Life Whispers (the audio)

I lie and dream wide awake and

arrange words in my head

thoughts to share with you

in whispers

late at night about life

and this and that

This morning leaves are wet against

the window from

wild wind and traffic which hammered

as the night was rinsed with hysterical rain

Early morning joggers dodge by

buses filling up with rush hour

as we walk and hug the night

hb2011

Its starting to look a lot like Christmas

spokane 2008

But not at my house ..not yet...

Christmas day is at my house this year (yayy) sooo I'm going to have to decorate like an elf with IBS (thanks Trix) when I get back from Sacramento at the end of next week, not much time to do anything. Gosh, work is as busy as hell (and as those of you on facebook can tell, hilariously entertaining in a frustrating kind of way) and.. its been a full moon this weekend...never a good combo!

The end of the year is always such a panic, even when I've finished all my Christmas shopping, honestly, these days I try to buy online, and buy months in advance..anything to stay out of the shops at this time. the malls are packed to capacity here every single day now. Sales and special offers don't help. Anyhow I try not to get sucked into sales pitch and 'buy 25 for the price of 24 and half' kinda stuff.. even though I do recognize a bargain when I see it.

Like 10 car washes for the price of 4...I love a clean car that smells fresh and is orderly, I get seriously stressed out at clutter and mess, so this was a great stocking filler..for moi....

Hmm..which leads to the next (minor) dilemma of what to buy Him for Christmas, when its a new-thing and you don't want to overspend, but want to show you care..a lot....when a shirt is too personal, a watch too expensive and a book too..mundane?

And if I ask him, he will chuckle look at me and say he has everything he has ever wanted...

I will go with that then...

The soft glow of the holidays

Many years ago I made peace with the melancholy which precedes me into the holiday season, the sadness and angst that gnawed at me from my birthday on, the memories of happier times before the loss of my son engulfed me year after year and threatened to derail the happiness of my whole family.

Christmas was our last holiday together as a family, Jonathan died early January and so year after pitiful year I ached and wept and hated the holiday season, unable to listen to Christmas carols or smell the aroma of mince pies in the oven, I dreaded December. Then came grandchildren with open hearts and innocent glee at Christmas time, their joy and freedom to be happy jolted me into the realization of what I was doing to my own children..robbing them of the Christmas Spirit.

I had to take a long hard look at my grief that year and put it gently into my back pocket. I took out a very dusty old tree and unpacked the battered cardboard box filled with ornaments, and proceeded to decorate the house and the tree with the help of eager little hands. Christmas at Nani's house became the new tradition and their spontaneity and happiness was tangible and... contagious. Slowly I healed bit by bit, each year. Yes I still weep on Christmas day, I still remember my tall beautiful boy opening his nintendo that day and I still remember his joy in doing so as though it were yesterday, but now I don't let the grief stay too long, I move it aside like a heavy curtain in an old theatre, I smell it feel it and look through it to the happiness that lies right in front of me...and rejoice.

Wordless Wednesday

where I take the pic..and you post the caption

Tuesday's thoughts...

I was awake wayyy too early this morning...

Christmas shopping today with my mum, it should take up most of the morning, lunch and wrapping them today..mail them off to SA tomorrow while theres still a few Post Offices in operation! isnt that the saddest thing!?

Physical Therapy for my back starts tomorrow. Short posts and notes are really due to the fact that I cant stay sitting for too long.

I think fall has fallen and my lawn is starting to look like a lawn and not a leaf magnet.

Another two resignations at work, just when we were starting to feel comfortable. Looks like we may need to extend some of the traveller nurses (bleh) and our unit manager was fired, not offered the option to even step down...we are all shocked and saddened.

Loved The Sing Off last night, and Street Corner Symphony's rendition of Hallelujah, that song moves me to tears...

Life changes in an instant, we should never forget that..

I love my friends here, I love the cameraderie warmth laughter and fun we share. Thank you all for allowing me the freedom to be me, to express my feelings what ever they are, thank you for your loyalty and unconditional acceptance!

I stepped into love last night..somewhere between 11pm and 1 am....and it feels delicious

Happy Holidays

Life Whispers

I lie and dream wide awake and

arrange words in my head

thoughts to share with you

in whispers

late at night about life

and this and that

This morning leaves are wet against

the window from

wild wind and traffic which hammered

as the night was rinsed with hysterical rain

Early morning joggers dodge by

buses filling up with rush hour

we walk and hug last night

hb2011

Picture Perfect ~ Silhouette

Picture Perfect

the theme

this week is

Silhouette

A Derrick ~ Bakersfield Oilfields

st dominics school for girls

My daughter the drum majorette

and her mother...